Thursday, March 20, 2014

Tips You Should Know Before Going to Your First Kiss Concert

You have constantly been told that you need to go to a Kiss concert, at least once in your life. This year is the year, you're thinking. They are touring in your city, you have nothing better going on that night, you have convinced some friends to go with you. Well, I have news for you, not actually a Kiss fan, you are not prepared. No, you're really not. But, you can be. I fully agree with the sentiment that everyone should go see a Kiss Concert once in their life, it was a very visually stunning and entertaining show, which is why I want to help make your experience better.

Step 1: Detroit Rock City. If you cannot follow any other tips in this blog, at least follow this one, which is why I put it first. Watch the movie Detroit Rock City the day before the concert.

It sounds simple, and it is, so there's really no reason not to follow this step. Detroit Rock City is a story of four high school boys in a Kiss cover band doing anything they can to get the chance to see Kiss live in concert. This movie will pump you up for the experience tomorrow, and grateful for the adulthood bliss that comes from not having to fight with your mom about the Knights in Satan's Service for permission to attend. Also, it will take the Kiss songs you kind of know from 1 to 3, adding Detroit Rock City (yep, it's a song) and Love Gun (my favorite) to your repertoire.

Step 2: Listen to their Music! I know this sounds dumb, but I promise you, you think you know more than 1 song, but you don't. You know Rock N Roll All Nite. Name another. You can't. Maybe you kind of know Beth, but you couldn't scream the lyrics back to them at a show. So, brush up on their other songs so that you aren't completely lost during the concert.

Step 3: Learn the words to Black Diamond. They will try to get you to sing this back to them. You don't know this song. You are going to feel embarrassed. No one will know this song, either, and Kiss will have this sad moment of realizing that they are playing this huge stadium of people who don't own a single album of theirs. They still made money off of you, but it is still a little sad. Don't make them sad.

Step 4: Makeup or No Makeup? It is completely okay to go to a Kiss Concert without wearing the Kiss makeup. Still, part of you really wants to. You will need to discuss this with your group and buy the supplies in advance if you decide to go through with it. More than that, though? Don't wear makeup unless you are in a group of 3 or less. Why, you ask?
Because no one wants to be the Cat (Peter Criss). No one does. They have a Family Guy episode about this. No one wants to be the Cat. Oh, but your girlfriend loves cats? Yeah, she still doesn't love drummers or want to be Peter Criss. Notice there is no cat in the above photo? Not a coincidence. Both of us women in the group I went with refused to be the cat. We had to look up later Kiss members and their makeup and exchange matching earrings to come to this agreement that worked for everyone. So prepare now for the "I don't want to be the Cat" arguments if more than 3 of you are going.

Step 5: Get a seat in the center, not on the sides of the venue. They will have pyrotechnics and they will zip line over you. It will be worth it.

And above all else, if you follow these tips or not, have fun at the one required Kiss Concert in your life.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Rebuttal to "4 Things I Learned from the Worst Online Dating Profile Ever"

I read the article on the website 4 Things I Learned from the Worst Online Dating Profile Ever today, and I felt it needed a bit of a rebuttal, as I am hearing responses from women in my life complaining at how horrible men are, and how this article is proof. I must disagree, slightly.

First, I would like to start with advising that I have a friend that did his own version of this social experiment on women on a dating website he had been on for some time. Only, he didn't use a model. He kept his profile exactly the same, with the same photos, and added only "I have recently come in to some money and am planning on moving to Australia." The amount of responses he got at that point increased exponentially so he deleted his profile. Sorry, ladies, but our species was represented no better than the men's. This portion of the rebuttal is more towards the angry women and their possibly misplaced feelings of misandry.

Now, my other problem with this article, and this one is in regards to the article itself and not just the reactions from readers, is on the crazy factor of the hot model. Unfortunately, it appears to me that this author sat down and figured out what type of woman she would dislike, and what men are "supposed to" hate. But, like Stan Lee's surprise that women loved the asshole womanizing Iron Man, sometimes we do love the aspects about the opposite sex we are supposed to hate.

Specifically, I noticed that on this article, that AaronCarterFan loves America and dogs. I feel that this profile would have gone over a little more unsuccessfully if she mentioned #1 that she currently has 8 cats, and they all have their own outfits, and #2 that she hates America, because it is so filled with ugly poor people, and she can't wait until she can convince a man she will marry him just long enough to convince him to move her to Paris. The threat of faking a pregnancy was pretty good, but suggests that this woman is very sexually active, which excites them. Threatening, rather, to scam them to move to France, a country that a lot of American men don't tend to want to even visit, let alone move to, could sting a little more, sad as that fact is. Perhaps she could even throw in that she will never sleep with a man she is dating until he has bought her a car. Then, when the men start flooding her with hook up requests, she could easily throw in "I'll meet you right now, baby, but don't bother bringing a condom unless you brought me a Lexus, too." They'll stop messaging her faster that way, I believe.

Similarly, I think rather than showing her callousness with  the favorite pass time of knocking the cups out of the hands of homeless men, she should have put in a cruelty to the every day average man, rather than on the homeless. Stating that she loves to order the most expensive item on the menu, and then sneak out and ditch the date after one bite, so he still has to pay for it, waiting for her to come back from the bathroom. She should state that she will always key his car as payback for taking her to anything less than a four star restaurant. Hit them where it hurts a little more. This is an experiment on making men hate her, so make men hate her already.

From there, the author decides to start going crazy to get the men to stop messaging her. She never goes quite crazy enough, sadly, and so the men just keep talking. The part about pulling out a guy's tooth was pretty crazy, but crazy in a way he thought (prayed?) it was still a joke, and hot sex was still coming. At this point, I would recommend using the faking a pregnancy, specifically that she has big plans to marry a famous serial killer inmate and fake a pregnancy to get a media deal with some tabloids. Or suggesting that they meet up and plan some crazy night of scaring his most recent ex into thinking they are going to kill her, lol but of course they would stop short of that part! YOLO! Mermaid tattoo? Funny, I liked that. But body modification scarring is so much more exhilarating. And its free.

At this point in the article, the author gives up and tries just going random crazy. She admits it was giving up, and that is all it was, giving no new reason to the men to stop hounding this AaronCarterFan hottie. My husband suggested the correction to this point in the article. Instead, she should have gone straight to personal attacks for no reason. "Baby, you better be hella rich wit a face like dat if u want me to hook up lol." "Are u a fag? U look like one. I only let them buy me close." etc.

Lastly, she never attempted the Fabian approach from the movie Pulp Fiction. Just start telling them your intense and awkward plans to purposely get fat in the immediate future, because pot bellies are sexy and she gives exactly ZERO FUCKS about what he thinks makes her sexy. Then take photos of your model friend eating nutella with HER BARE HANDS. And then eating baked beans with HER BARE HANDS (thank you, NewsRadio). See what they say after that.

Now, these are simply theories at 3 in the morning, and admittedly, I won't ever know if they would work or not because I am not willing to pay to join a dating site to test these theories out. Yet, I feel I at least make a convincing reasonable doubt to the crazy bitch AaronCarterFan attempt. Girl, you just weren't crazy bitch enough. We are capable of SO MUCH MORE! But it was a cute attempt. So, in conclusion, thank you for the really fun read, but you could have gone so much crazier!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Role Reversals in the Movies, Part 1: The Romantic Comedy

Last night before bed, Jeff and I somehow got on the topic of sexism in movies. It stemmed from our having read this article recently on 5 Ways Modern Men are Trained to Hate Women. It got us talking about this idea that men are the hero of their own story, and owed a hot woman by the universe. Jeff brought up that American movies are the worst at teaching this, and that usually other countries have more tragic endings and no one gets a hot woman or the hot woman always dies. I brought up how many of our movies fail the very simple Bechdel Test (you can read about it here if you don't know what that is), which Jeff had never heard of before. And then something beautiful happened.

This led Jeff to asking me how we would switch the male and female roles in typical movie stereotypes. Together, we came up with three stereotypical movies, and how we would swap out the roles of the male and female protagonists. I was greatly entertained by this so much, that I admit, I couldn't sleep most of the night and rather kept working out the stories further and further. So, I felt maybe this would be something I needed to share with the world.

So without further ado, our first storyline of the swapped gender roles that Hollywood should attempt to reverse the sexism (mind you, not correct, just reverse):

Part 1: The Romantic Comedy

Movie Tite: Architext

Everyday, average funny girl and New York Architect, Aubrey Plaza is just having too much fun in life to settle down. We're sure she's an architect, though we never see her at work for the first half of the movie, as she usually is seen after work getting drinks with her best friend, played by Melissa McCarthy, and aproaching attractive men in the bar, which leads to a lot of one night stands. Until one morning, as Aubrey Plaza goes into her usual coffee shop on her way into the office, she bumps into quirky and free-spirited Chris Pine, who accidentally spills his coffee all over her. Oh, Chris Pine is so incorrigable. Somehow, in the shuffle of trying to clean off her business suit and help Chris Pine pick up his dropped graded kindergarted homework packets, Aubrey and Chris accidentally grab the other's identical white iPhone. What are the chances?
Back at the office, Aubrey realizes that the important conference call she has been waiting on all day didn't come in, and notices that, wait a minute, this isn't her phone! Needing to figure out who this guy is that she has swapped phones with, she looks through Chris Pine's text message archive, and can't help but feel she can use some of this information to get Chris in bed with her. She calls her phone from his, tells him all about the quirky mix up, and asks him to dinner where they can switch phones. Fast forward to Aubrey and Chris making out in her apartment, removing clothes, heading to the bedroom. Fast forward again to the next morning. Aubrey wakes to find Chris Pine doing yoga in her living room and announcing he made breakfast. Aubrey is taken aback as most men simply leave the next morning, but that's okay, she groggily offers to call him a cab. Aubrey smells that something is burning. Chris realizes he left the eggs cooking on the stove when he went to do yoga. They both run into the kitchen, but it's too late, the pan is no more. Chris apologizes, and leaves.
Aubrey and Melissa McCarthy go out for an afternoon drink at the bar, where she tells Melissa all about how crazy Chris Pine was in bed. Melissa teases her about how she needs to watch out, lest she get herself tied down, and not tied down like the kinky stuff the Calvin Klein underwear models (yes, plural) she is currently sleeping with are known for. Aubrey admits she doesn't understand how Melissa McCarthy always gets so many hot men to date her, and Melissa explains it is because she treats them like garbage, so they keep coming back for approval because they have mommy issues. Aubrey advises that she should turn in early tonight, as she has so many blueprints for the new skyscraper to look over, and heads back to her apartment.
To Aubrey's surprise, Chris Pine runs into her again in her apartment lobby, knocking them both flat on the tile floor. She helps Chris Pine up, and he reveals that he has a new frying pan he bought for her, with a big red bow on it, to apologize for ruining the other one this morning. This turns into Chris Pine going up to Aubrey's apartment again, and we will romantic movie montage them into quirky dating situations where it is established that they are becoming an item now.
Aubrey and Melissa McCarthy are at the bar again, where Melissa is razzing Aubrey for getting tied down, and not the kinky sort of way. Aubrey tells Melissa she never saw it coming, but Chris Pine is totally the Manic Pixie Dream Boy she never realized she wanted. But there is a problem in dream land. The next day, Chris invites Aubrey to meet him for lunch on a weekday. They'll have a picnic and it will be so spontaneous. Aubrey obliges, but when faced with watching Chris Pine playing with children, she panics. She runs away before Chris could see her. Her biological clock is not ready for this yet. Chris tries to call her, but she ignores all of his calls.
That night, she meets her friend again at the bar. Melissa dares Aubrey to go hit on the new hot guy that entered the bar, Chris Hemsworth, and if he offers to have sex with her, and she turns him down, then there is no hope left for Aubrey, and she may as well start picking out china patterns. But if she goes, it will make breaking it off with Chris Pine that much easier. Aubrey takes Melissa up on the dare, and flirts with and buys a drink for Chris Hemsworth. Sure enough, he offers to go back to her place. They get into a cab together, but Aubrey starts to panic. Could she really be falling for Chris Pine? That is so unlike her. I mean, he is a kindergarten teacher and she is not ready to settle down. But he is adorable and free-spirited and quirky and he really was good with those kids. She turns to tell Chris Hemsworth that she needs to call this off, that she does have a boyfriend, and for the first time, she may be ready for to tell someone she loves them. Chris Hemsworth turns at the same time and accidentally pokes Aubrey in the eye with the button on his sleeve, knocking out her contact. As she tries to locate the contact on the floor of the cab, it pulls up in front of her apartment building, where dejected Chris Pine is leaving, having tried desperately to see if she was okay. Of course, as he sees the cab pull up, it looks as though Aubrey is doing a lot more than just looking for her contact lens near Chris Hemsworth's pants. Aubrey jumps out of the cab as fast as she can, crying, "Chris, no!" but it is too late, and Chris runs off crying. At this point we cut to montages of Chris Pine wearing sweats and eating ice cream and not answering any of Aubrey's calls. Eventually the montages cut to Chris, looking very forlorn, but moving on with his life while he puts all of his energy into his kindergarten class.
Finally, it's the night of the big kindergarten class play. Chris has been planning this for months, and each kid is so excited to be really lame parts like trees. As intermission hits, an unexpected announcement starts coming from the microphone. It's Aubrey! She didn't forget about the play that was so important to Chris, and she is announcing to everyone that she is finally ready to say it out loud, Chris Pine, Aubrey Plaza loves you. And she totally didn't blow Thor in the back of that cab, it was not what you thought, though, in hindsight, she should have picked better words for a children's play stage. Chris comes out and joins Aubrey on stage and Aubrey gets down on one knee and proposes. Chris Pine could not be more thrilled. He says yes, and all the other elementary school teachers are crying. Aubrey Plaza, Chris Pine totally wants to have your babies, but, you know, only when you are ready. Mack 'n' clap and credits roll. (Don't know what the Mack 'n' clap is? Watch one here.)

I love this movie. I totally think they need to make this happen. I think we should add in Jane Lynch as Chris Pine's sassy PE Teacher best friend, but Jeff thinks that would be a little much.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Shopping for the Hunter/Gatherer Stereotypes

I never considered whether or not I truly fit the "gatherer" stereotype...until today. It fully encompasses why I hate the hardware store, and all of that dawned on me today.

The Grocery Store is a safe haven for gatherers. You don't hunt at a grocery store, you gather. You go over to the produce section, and you gather what produce you need. You go over to the dairy section and you gather what dairy you need. Once you've gathered up all you came there for, you are done, and you go home.

The Hardware Store, on the other hand, The Hardware Store is hunting grounds. No one ever goes to the Hardware Store to gather. No woman tells her husband, "Oh, I passed the Hardware Store on my way home today, so I swung in and picked you up some nuts and bolts! I just put them in a baggy with a little twisty-tie thingy. Only $75!" That never happens, and I think the Hardware Store remains that way on purpose to help avoid such things.

So there he is, the brave, hunting caveman, needing to hunt down a gazelle for his family. But today, he is running low on time, so he must bring along his berry gathering wife.

Wife: Where are we going?
Caveman: We need a gazelle, for meat.
Wife: Should I pick one up at Wal-Mart?
Caveman: They don't sell gazelles at Wal-Mart, we must go to hunt one, on the plains, also known as the Hardware Store.
Wife: This won't take long, will it?
Caveman: It'll be five minutes, no problem. Lots of gazelle on the plains.

So the Caveman and his wife venture onto the plains, or to Lowe's, you know, whatever. And the Caveman announces to his wife that what they seek is in the Hardware section. This to me would be the same as traveling to the plains to be told once there that you need to go to the plains. For the record, there is no "Grocery" section of Smith's. That would be asinine. Regardless, the Caveman and his wife make it to the plains, and then the plains section of the plains. And then, they hunt. They can't just go and find the gazelle where they know it should be, no, they hunt for it. They walk up and down each isle, slowly, quietly, looking up and down, near and far, stopping suddenly to just listen or smell for something, or who knows what, to continue again. And they must remain silent during this whole endeavor, lest they scare off the elusive nut or bolt they are searching for. "Damnit! You sneezed and is scared off the last remaining phillips screwdriver attachment I needed for my drill!"

Due to the hunter nature of the Hardware Store, the worst part is if your hunt in unsuccessful. Then you have to contact the elder gods, and there are only three ways to do that. The first way to contact the elder gods to beg for assistance would be to have a seance and hope they show up, except that usually just leads to a lot of waiting, and far as you know, no one has ever received an answer that way, save only for a few myths you don't know to be true. This is the same as waiting at customer service while they page someone to come help you. No Caveman will approach this tactic, and will become angered when the gatherer wife suggests it. No, rather, he will use the second, and more vastly used way of contacting the elder gods, and that is to hunt one of their spirit animals. This is basically when you hunt for the worker in the blue apron, stalk him, trap him, and eventually, force him to answer your questions and hope they are within his realm of expertise. The problem with this tactic is that it is as difficult as the Caveman hunting down a lion to ask the lion how he hunts gazelles. How is the Caveman to hunt down a lion when he is already inept at hunting gazelles? The third, and today our fated approach to contact with the elder gods, is to be the lost soul, stranded and helpless in the plains, so reproachable that the elder gods send a familiar down to you, lest you be damned. The problem with this tactic is that the familiar, much like the scene from Wayne's World 2 where Jim Morison and the Naked Indian give Wayne a message in his dreams, never make a goddamned bit of sense. Today, that conversation went like this:

Familiar [Employee that Stopped us to "Help" us]: For what do you seek? [What can I help you find, sir?]
Caveman [Jeff]: I am hunting gazelle, but having no luck. [I am trying to make a projector mount.]
Familiar: For that, you will need to go to the plains, for that is where gazelle roam. [You'll want to make that out of metal, anything else will not be sturdy enough.]
Caveman: Yes, that is why I traveled to the plains. [That's why I'm currently looking in the Hardware section.]
Familiar: It will be a difficult journey for you to the plains. You will want to gather a large group of hunters, and forge tools from the fire. [Yes, definitely needs to be made of metal. You will need some welding tools. A place that sells sheet metal can bend the metal for you.]
Caveman: I am already at the plains. I don't want to gather more hunters, just an old or sick gazelle will be fine, we don't need the whole herd. [No, I don't want to craft one myself, I just want to find some clamps or something and rig one together.]
Familiar: Well, the old and sick gazelles travel on the plains. I hope this will assist you on your journey. [Well, you'll want to make it out of metal parts for sure. I hope this helps!]

At this point, the gatherer in me can't take it anymore. I do not want to hunt any longer, and tend to try to run back to what seems more natural to me.

Wife [Me]: Please, there are some bushes here, can I just go and gather berries from them? [Can I look at some paint samples while you finish looking for what you need?]

But the hunter is only angered further by this request...

Caveman: No! We have plenty of berries back at the cave. You must suffer this with me. You must endure this so you can appreciate more fully where your meat comes from! Growl!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Dating Advice (From Someone Who Hasn't Dated in Almost a Decade, That's How Bad the Rest of You are at This)

I've been hearing a lot of complaints on the facebooks lately about dating, and I feel that it is time I set some things straight here, at least in my opinion, on the dating world. It has mostly stemmed from this photo:

Now it's true, most guys are stuck in the friend zone, and its a cold and lonely place with no escape, that friend zone. So let me tell you how you got there so that for the love you will STOP PUTTING YOURSELF THERE. I'm going to tell you something, guys, and you're not going to believe me, because you are stupid. Girls like to be asked out. No, I am not lying. I am not full of crap. They do. Girls want guys to ask them out. Why don't you believe me? Because you've asked a girl out and she said no. Or maybe she even laughed. So obviously girls don't like to be asked out and I'm just setting you up for failure. Wrong. So that girl didn't want to be asked out by you, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be asked out, and that doesn't mean some other girl doesn't want to be asked out by you.

So back when I dated, I wanted guys to ask me out. But they never did. It was frustrating. And then I would get angry with them. And if they tried to show any interest later on, believe me, that door had closed, you had your chance, buddy. By that time, I've thought of all the reasons why it was great that you never asked me out, and now that I've thought of all the reasons it wouldn't work, I will never even try to make it work, because it's already failed in my mind. Now, you're in the friend zone.

It is true that asking girls out can be scary. We can be mean, and sometimes we just don't want anything to do with you, or you use a really stupid line on us, or something. We're women. We pride ourselves on being able to change our minds and just turn that attraction right off like it never existed. But one of the best ways to do that is to flirt with us, have a good conversation with us, and then don't ask us out, don't ask for our numbers, don't try to randomly run into us the next day, nothing. We will go home and wonder why after talking to us at a party you didn't ask us out. Am I not pretty enough for you? Not skinny enough? Boobs not big enough? Well, that sounds pretty shallow, mister. See, now you're on our bad side. And it's not always because we have low self esteem that this is where we immediately go, to our looks. It's movies and television. See, we've had bashed into our brains over and over again by the media that guys just want sex, and they will literally want any pretty girl, no matter how stupid or annoying or petty or hell bent on puppy kicking that girl is. If she has a nice rack and not need a paper bag over her face, you want her. So if you talk to a girl and don't ask her out, and don't ask for her number, obviously she's an uggo because you don't require much, you're a dude. So here comes the part where you try to work up the courage to do something, and you try to set up guy elaborate situation to ask her out (note: guy elaborate meaning involves planning more than three aspects of the situation whereas girl elaborate is like Pretty Woman dozen long stemmed roses and a limo just to say, "Hey, I like you, not just in a I want to have sex with a prostitute kind of way" ridiculous, over the top, never going to happen and actually pretty creepy in real life but still pined after situation. See the difference?) but it takes you like three weeks for this process. Or maybe you want to get to know her better first. News flash: Dating is getting to know someone. Getting to know her before you go out is bad because she will already know she doesn't want to date you before you even ask.

Now, I know this isn't true of all couples, of course. And you're going to ask out girls that will just not want to go out with you and make you a little jaded, and for that I am sorry. We all have jerks in our respective sexes. But if you do not let a girl know in the first three days of knowing her that you are interested in her, and let her respond to that, she will never be interested in you later, in most cases. Sorry. I wasn't interested in my husband, but he asked me out anyway, and I went so my friend could date his brother. And he wasn't horrible and he did buy me dinner. Then he asked me out again, and I again obliged so my friend could date his brother. Now here was the pivotal moment: He made a move that second night, which sent the signal home to me that, "I am not asking you out to be a nice guy. I want to date you." So I went home thinking, "Oh crap, this guy wants to date me, how do I feel about this?" And before I could answer that, he asked if he could make me dinner. Guys, please note: Ask to make her dinner. Women love that crap. Not very interested yet, she will still totally let you make her dinner. So I let him make me dinner. It was good, too, and he handled the stress of his brother's kitchen being a sty and not actually owning necessary dishes for cooking (my husband lived in another town, so we had to go to his brother's which was closer to me). And that dinner convinced me that this guy totally deserved a kiss. Then we made out. Now we're married. It worked. You don't give them time to think of all the crap that could be wrong with you. Let's get coffee. Let me take you to dinner. Let me make you dinner. Do you like bowling? How about art museums. Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to see another human being during these past four days, like one that you would also want to date? Too bad, I rented a helicopter. Boom, now you have a girlfriend. I know these things sound expensive (especially the helicopter, that never happens, but it would be sooo cool!) but there are cheap things to do, too, like the art museum part. Those are free! And starting with coffee means you only have to invest about $7 in her to see if she's even worth taking to a full dinner. But in waiting to gain the courage (and especially a whole school semester or something) is never going to work. See, she thought about it already when you didn't originally ask her out, and now her mind is made up. That thing I said earlier about us changing our minds so much? We really don't as much as we say we do. And once you're in the friend zone, we pretty much don't at all. Sorry. Put us in a situation of deciding quickly on going and having a good time with you (and make it known its a date) and keep doing that for at least three days and then most of the next week before giving some space. And if she keeps saying yes, well, then you're set. Then so long as you don't do something really dumb to mess that up, you'll at least not get into the friend zone.

Not messing it up from there:

1) Dating can be expensive. Don't expect her to pay without letting it be known first. Surprising a girl with needing to have brought more money than she was planning is a bad idea. Also, probably not the best idea for the first date. Yes, that can get expensive, but she's worth it, right? Because if she's not, you're sending the signal that she's an uggo but you're still lonely and she'll do for now. Not a good move.

2) Don't be too competitive. This comes from an actual experience. I went on a blind date with a guy to see a Harry Potter movie at the dollar theatre. It went fine, but we didn't really talk much, so the next night we went mini golfing. This was actually pretty fun, and I was starting to like him. Until he got mad that I beat him. I mean really sore. Couldn't get over it the whole rest of the night. Seriously. Over mini golf. Let's just say I got over him pretty quickly and we never went out again. Its one thing to tease the girl, and usually girls don't beat you at mini golf so she must be a pro, but eventually, let the topic drop and talk about ANYTHING other than not believing a girl beat you.

I'm sure I'll have more advice after this, but for now, just start here. Just start not being friends with girls and just asking them the crap out. And once you do, keep asking them to see you. It's crazy enough it just might work. I will concede, I am old now, and all married like, and so I'm not very current on these things, but I still got to this point, and you are in the friend zone, so what does it hurt to listen to me?

Post questions if you think I'm on to something and want to hear more.

A Note to Famous Women: Get Talent or Stay Pretty

My Husband suggested I make an actual blog post on this topic after I ranted on the career of teen pop singer, Tiffany.

Yes, this Tiffany.

See, we were watching the episode of 'How I Met Your Mother' in which a character shows her, obviously made up for the show, music video that also featured Tiffany. According to Jeff, Tiffany was a great example of how fans just don't like to hang around once you've gone crazy and featured yourself in Playboy Magazine. I, however, had a completely different theory.

Now I don't know much about the ups and downs of Tiffany's career, so I had to use other examples: Brittney Spears and Jessica Simpson in comparison to the Mamas and the Papas. Sounds crazy, I know, just stick with me. The thing about female singers is that there are two types you tend to see, the ones with amazing talent, and the ones that are really "hot." Sometimes the coincide, but not usually. In comes the Mamas and the Papas, as the example first to pop in my mind. There were two mamas in the Mamas and the Papas: Michelle Phillips and Cass Elliot. Here's a picture of Michelle Phillips back in their hayday:

And here's Cass Elliot:

Can you guess which one was in the band for her talent and which one was in the band for being like 17 and getting it on with John Phillips? Yeah. Cass could sing. Damn could she sing. And that's exactly why the center of attention in their band pictures was...

Michelle. She was young, she was blonde, she was pretty, and girl...really wasn't that great of a backup singer, from what I could hear on their albums.

This is what went wrong with the teen pop stars of the 90's. You see, Brittney Spears didn't bring about this new voice no one had heard. She couldn't belt it like Aretha Franklin, she didn't have a new style to bring to the world, there wasn't a whole lot going on more than being able to watch this:

Go to this:

That was kind of it. She was fun, she was young, I'm not saying she couldn't sing at all and was only good for backup singing, and yes, she could dance. But that's all her career was based on. Then comes the crazy. Still, I argue it wasn't the crazy that made fans stop listening. It was this:

No one wants to see that naked, which means no one wants to see that dance, which means your voice had better carry you, oh but it didn't.

So Jeff thinks I'm hilarious when I say, girl...

You need to have a backup plan in case this happens:

Because if that was all you had going for you, its going to be a long fall. And take it from a fatty, it hurts a lot more because like they say, the bigger you are, the harder you fall. Maybe it sounds insensitive coming from another fatty, but I'm just being realistic here. Hot girls tend to get some things easier because they are hot girls, and fatties will have to prove their worth a little more. If you're a Mama Cass, you are still golden, girl had it, she had a voice we'd willingly choke on a ham sandwich (myth by the way, she died of a heart attack) just to have a voice like that. Believe me, if Mama Michelle had died, they'd still be having reunion tours right now, because she didn't matter. She was just a pretty face.

Really, she was gorgeous. Still, it was Mama Cass that had the talent, the voice, and what the band needed to be one of those voices of a generation. And she was the one that went early, so that means no horrible reunion tours past their prime or bad reality television shows of Mama Cass still trying to find love at 60 could ever come about. Okay, maybe I'm okay with that part.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you can't be famous if you're a fatty or crazy. The difference is you have to start a fatty or start crazy. American audiences actually love that just as much, if not more so, than the hottie pop singers. The difference is, once you have your hottie loving fans, they won't stay once they're wondering if some twinkie wrappers, cheap jewelry you lost two weeks ago, and the cover of that Guns and Ammo magazine you fell asleep on while drunk last night are going to fall out of your shirt during your "Sexy" Grammy performance.

So don't take my advice the wrong way, and think I am making fun of my own kind and hating all the non super model sized girls out there. Quite the opposite, actually. I am saying I have less forgiveness for the super model sized girls out there, and so does everyone else. So if you make a career on being pretty, honey, you'd better stay that way or we're going to eat you alive. And we're a bunch of fatties, so we have an appetite.

For those now angry with me for being mean to my sisters out there, I offer this as an apology: An actual quote from me this week to Jeff after eating way too bad for me of a meal: "If by push ups you mean me sitting on the couch and crying, yes, lets do some push ups."

End Rant.

Monday, September 12, 2011

How Jeff Saved Me From Being The Hot Girl in the Window

Today was my six year old niece's birthday party (Jeff and I bought her brains, a meat cleaver, and various princess things. She's kind of like if Wednesday Addams sometimes wanted to be a princess - awesome!). And even though there was a full two liter of Mountain Dew Code Red there, I did not partake. I was trying to behave, and there was this diet Cranberry Sierra Mist stuff instead that I thought sounded pretty good, and less dangerous (you know, since it was a child's party and all). Well, I obviously wasn't paying enough attention because that shit totally has Red Dye #40 all up in it. Oops.