Monday, September 12, 2011

How Jeff Saved Me From Being The Hot Girl in the Window

Today was my six year old niece's birthday party (Jeff and I bought her brains, a meat cleaver, and various princess things. She's kind of like if Wednesday Addams sometimes wanted to be a princess - awesome!). And even though there was a full two liter of Mountain Dew Code Red there, I did not partake. I was trying to behave, and there was this diet Cranberry Sierra Mist stuff instead that I thought sounded pretty good, and less dangerous (you know, since it was a child's party and all). Well, I obviously wasn't paying enough attention because that shit totally has Red Dye #40 all up in it. Oops.

So the kids have gone to bed, and we're watching episodes of Archer (just Jeff, myself, his sister Sara, her boyfriend Grant, and our good friend Lissa) when it starts to kick in. First, Sara starts joking about all of the fuzzy, retarded kittens she wants to kick (its her form of therapy). Then Lissa reminds her of the time she saw an ugly cross eyed baby in a restaurant and couldn't stop staring at it. Then the baby smiled at her and she wanted to scream and punch it in the face.
Somehow, this created a "brilliant" (read: seemed brilliant at the time) idea in my mind. I should pretend to be that ugly cross eyed baby to creep out Sara. So as soon as no one else is looking at me, I turn to Sara, with my eyes crossed, smiling as creepily as I can (and believe it or not, I can smile pretty creepily - its a gift). She screamed. This went on for a good twenty minutes before I decided to take it up a notch and start acting full on like a baby, waiving my arms and feet in the air like I can't walk and sucking on my thumb. Again, at the time, totally brilliant.
Then, I got the hiccups. This pretty much guarantees instantaneous hyperactivity. Cross eyed, sucking my thumb, crying like a baby, dancing. all while hiccuping and kind of having to pee. Somehow this turned into Lissa tricking me into the chicken dance for probably another good twenty minutes.
Sara: Please please please be the hot girl in my front window again. Lissa has to see!
Lissa: Wait, what?
Sara: She takes off her shirt and stands in my front window in her tank top.
Lissa: Why?
Me: Because that's what hot girls do in movies.
Lissa: What movies are you watching?
Me: I don't remember, but they totally do. They stand there, looking out the window all introspectively, wearing only a tank top, trying to be all hot and nipple showy, while thinking deep, introspectivey thoughts.
Jeff: Introspectivey?
Me: That's totally a word.
Jeff: Kind of like "Leftermost"?
Me: Yes. If you don't believe me, stare out the window with pointy nipples while thinking about it really hard.
Jeff: No, its time to go home.
Me: But I was about to take my shirt off.
Grant: Yeah, she was about to take her shirt off.
Jeff: How about you be the hot girl that goes home with the good looking guy played by me?
Me: Hmm...usually how scary movies start.
Jeff: Just get in the car.
Me: Also how scary movies start.
Jeff: I'm taking the nachos with me.
Me: I'll see you guys later.

And that is how Jeff saved me from being the hot girl in the window, or ruined Grant from being surrounded by cleavage. It really depends on your perspective.
So, it seems I need to pay more attention to the red coloring of even the diet caffeine free drinkage, if we want to avoid Hot Girl in Window syndrome.

Also, before I leave, a few things you will hear Sara and Grant yell at each other while playing Halo:
Sara: Where are you?
Grant: You just shot me.
Sara: That was you?
Grant: Yes. I'm dead now.
Sara: You see what happens when you reload your gun? Shut up!

Grant: Just drive the car.
Sara: It won't move forward.
Grant: You have to push that button.
Sara: I did.
Grant: I'm better off on foot.
Sara: Here, you drive.
Grant: Oh. I flipped the Jeep.
Sara: Looks like you are better off on foot.
Grant: At least I got it to move forward.

Sara: Do not tickle my foot while I have a gun on me. Oh, people are dying everywhere now.

Sara: Can't you see that I'm dead?
Grant: Oh, I just got raped!


  1. Dude! I missed one hell of a party. F- sinus infections. Also, Evie totally is like my size barbie Wednesday Adams edition. I love it.

  2. You won an award! Yay you!