Saturday, February 11, 2012

A Note to Famous Women: Get Talent or Stay Pretty

My Husband suggested I make an actual blog post on this topic after I ranted on the career of teen pop singer, Tiffany.

Yes, this Tiffany.

See, we were watching the episode of 'How I Met Your Mother' in which a character shows her, obviously made up for the show, music video that also featured Tiffany. According to Jeff, Tiffany was a great example of how fans just don't like to hang around once you've gone crazy and featured yourself in Playboy Magazine. I, however, had a completely different theory.

Now I don't know much about the ups and downs of Tiffany's career, so I had to use other examples: Brittney Spears and Jessica Simpson in comparison to the Mamas and the Papas. Sounds crazy, I know, just stick with me. The thing about female singers is that there are two types you tend to see, the ones with amazing talent, and the ones that are really "hot." Sometimes the coincide, but not usually. In comes the Mamas and the Papas, as the example first to pop in my mind. There were two mamas in the Mamas and the Papas: Michelle Phillips and Cass Elliot. Here's a picture of Michelle Phillips back in their hayday:

And here's Cass Elliot:

Can you guess which one was in the band for her talent and which one was in the band for being like 17 and getting it on with John Phillips? Yeah. Cass could sing. Damn could she sing. And that's exactly why the center of attention in their band pictures was...

Michelle. She was young, she was blonde, she was pretty, and girl...really wasn't that great of a backup singer, from what I could hear on their albums.

This is what went wrong with the teen pop stars of the 90's. You see, Brittney Spears didn't bring about this new voice no one had heard. She couldn't belt it like Aretha Franklin, she didn't have a new style to bring to the world, there wasn't a whole lot going on more than being able to watch this:

Go to this:

That was kind of it. She was fun, she was young, I'm not saying she couldn't sing at all and was only good for backup singing, and yes, she could dance. But that's all her career was based on. Then comes the crazy. Still, I argue it wasn't the crazy that made fans stop listening. It was this:

No one wants to see that naked, which means no one wants to see that dance, which means your voice had better carry you, oh but it didn't.

So Jeff thinks I'm hilarious when I say, girl...

You need to have a backup plan in case this happens:

Because if that was all you had going for you, its going to be a long fall. And take it from a fatty, it hurts a lot more because like they say, the bigger you are, the harder you fall. Maybe it sounds insensitive coming from another fatty, but I'm just being realistic here. Hot girls tend to get some things easier because they are hot girls, and fatties will have to prove their worth a little more. If you're a Mama Cass, you are still golden, girl had it, she had a voice we'd willingly choke on a ham sandwich (myth by the way, she died of a heart attack) just to have a voice like that. Believe me, if Mama Michelle had died, they'd still be having reunion tours right now, because she didn't matter. She was just a pretty face.

Really, she was gorgeous. Still, it was Mama Cass that had the talent, the voice, and what the band needed to be one of those voices of a generation. And she was the one that went early, so that means no horrible reunion tours past their prime or bad reality television shows of Mama Cass still trying to find love at 60 could ever come about. Okay, maybe I'm okay with that part.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you can't be famous if you're a fatty or crazy. The difference is you have to start a fatty or start crazy. American audiences actually love that just as much, if not more so, than the hottie pop singers. The difference is, once you have your hottie loving fans, they won't stay once they're wondering if some twinkie wrappers, cheap jewelry you lost two weeks ago, and the cover of that Guns and Ammo magazine you fell asleep on while drunk last night are going to fall out of your shirt during your "Sexy" Grammy performance.

So don't take my advice the wrong way, and think I am making fun of my own kind and hating all the non super model sized girls out there. Quite the opposite, actually. I am saying I have less forgiveness for the super model sized girls out there, and so does everyone else. So if you make a career on being pretty, honey, you'd better stay that way or we're going to eat you alive. And we're a bunch of fatties, so we have an appetite.

For those now angry with me for being mean to my sisters out there, I offer this as an apology: An actual quote from me this week to Jeff after eating way too bad for me of a meal: "If by push ups you mean me sitting on the couch and crying, yes, lets do some push ups."

End Rant.

1 comment:

  1. I agree. I'd take the concept of talent one step further. EVEN a great voice isn't enough. Hot chicks with amazing voices are still a dime a dozen. You have to be able to write your own songs. That's how you stay relevant.