Saturday, February 11, 2012

Dating Advice (From Someone Who Hasn't Dated in Almost a Decade, That's How Bad the Rest of You are at This)

I've been hearing a lot of complaints on the facebooks lately about dating, and I feel that it is time I set some things straight here, at least in my opinion, on the dating world. It has mostly stemmed from this photo:

Now it's true, most guys are stuck in the friend zone, and its a cold and lonely place with no escape, that friend zone. So let me tell you how you got there so that for the love you will STOP PUTTING YOURSELF THERE. I'm going to tell you something, guys, and you're not going to believe me, because you are stupid. Girls like to be asked out. No, I am not lying. I am not full of crap. They do. Girls want guys to ask them out. Why don't you believe me? Because you've asked a girl out and she said no. Or maybe she even laughed. So obviously girls don't like to be asked out and I'm just setting you up for failure. Wrong. So that girl didn't want to be asked out by you, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be asked out, and that doesn't mean some other girl doesn't want to be asked out by you.

So back when I dated, I wanted guys to ask me out. But they never did. It was frustrating. And then I would get angry with them. And if they tried to show any interest later on, believe me, that door had closed, you had your chance, buddy. By that time, I've thought of all the reasons why it was great that you never asked me out, and now that I've thought of all the reasons it wouldn't work, I will never even try to make it work, because it's already failed in my mind. Now, you're in the friend zone.

It is true that asking girls out can be scary. We can be mean, and sometimes we just don't want anything to do with you, or you use a really stupid line on us, or something. We're women. We pride ourselves on being able to change our minds and just turn that attraction right off like it never existed. But one of the best ways to do that is to flirt with us, have a good conversation with us, and then don't ask us out, don't ask for our numbers, don't try to randomly run into us the next day, nothing. We will go home and wonder why after talking to us at a party you didn't ask us out. Am I not pretty enough for you? Not skinny enough? Boobs not big enough? Well, that sounds pretty shallow, mister. See, now you're on our bad side. And it's not always because we have low self esteem that this is where we immediately go, to our looks. It's movies and television. See, we've had bashed into our brains over and over again by the media that guys just want sex, and they will literally want any pretty girl, no matter how stupid or annoying or petty or hell bent on puppy kicking that girl is. If she has a nice rack and not need a paper bag over her face, you want her. So if you talk to a girl and don't ask her out, and don't ask for her number, obviously she's an uggo because you don't require much, you're a dude. So here comes the part where you try to work up the courage to do something, and you try to set up guy elaborate situation to ask her out (note: guy elaborate meaning involves planning more than three aspects of the situation whereas girl elaborate is like Pretty Woman dozen long stemmed roses and a limo just to say, "Hey, I like you, not just in a I want to have sex with a prostitute kind of way" ridiculous, over the top, never going to happen and actually pretty creepy in real life but still pined after situation. See the difference?) but it takes you like three weeks for this process. Or maybe you want to get to know her better first. News flash: Dating is getting to know someone. Getting to know her before you go out is bad because she will already know she doesn't want to date you before you even ask.

Now, I know this isn't true of all couples, of course. And you're going to ask out girls that will just not want to go out with you and make you a little jaded, and for that I am sorry. We all have jerks in our respective sexes. But if you do not let a girl know in the first three days of knowing her that you are interested in her, and let her respond to that, she will never be interested in you later, in most cases. Sorry. I wasn't interested in my husband, but he asked me out anyway, and I went so my friend could date his brother. And he wasn't horrible and he did buy me dinner. Then he asked me out again, and I again obliged so my friend could date his brother. Now here was the pivotal moment: He made a move that second night, which sent the signal home to me that, "I am not asking you out to be a nice guy. I want to date you." So I went home thinking, "Oh crap, this guy wants to date me, how do I feel about this?" And before I could answer that, he asked if he could make me dinner. Guys, please note: Ask to make her dinner. Women love that crap. Not very interested yet, she will still totally let you make her dinner. So I let him make me dinner. It was good, too, and he handled the stress of his brother's kitchen being a sty and not actually owning necessary dishes for cooking (my husband lived in another town, so we had to go to his brother's which was closer to me). And that dinner convinced me that this guy totally deserved a kiss. Then we made out. Now we're married. It worked. You don't give them time to think of all the crap that could be wrong with you. Let's get coffee. Let me take you to dinner. Let me make you dinner. Do you like bowling? How about art museums. Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to see another human being during these past four days, like one that you would also want to date? Too bad, I rented a helicopter. Boom, now you have a girlfriend. I know these things sound expensive (especially the helicopter, that never happens, but it would be sooo cool!) but there are cheap things to do, too, like the art museum part. Those are free! And starting with coffee means you only have to invest about $7 in her to see if she's even worth taking to a full dinner. But in waiting to gain the courage (and especially a whole school semester or something) is never going to work. See, she thought about it already when you didn't originally ask her out, and now her mind is made up. That thing I said earlier about us changing our minds so much? We really don't as much as we say we do. And once you're in the friend zone, we pretty much don't at all. Sorry. Put us in a situation of deciding quickly on going and having a good time with you (and make it known its a date) and keep doing that for at least three days and then most of the next week before giving some space. And if she keeps saying yes, well, then you're set. Then so long as you don't do something really dumb to mess that up, you'll at least not get into the friend zone.

Not messing it up from there:

1) Dating can be expensive. Don't expect her to pay without letting it be known first. Surprising a girl with needing to have brought more money than she was planning is a bad idea. Also, probably not the best idea for the first date. Yes, that can get expensive, but she's worth it, right? Because if she's not, you're sending the signal that she's an uggo but you're still lonely and she'll do for now. Not a good move.

2) Don't be too competitive. This comes from an actual experience. I went on a blind date with a guy to see a Harry Potter movie at the dollar theatre. It went fine, but we didn't really talk much, so the next night we went mini golfing. This was actually pretty fun, and I was starting to like him. Until he got mad that I beat him. I mean really sore. Couldn't get over it the whole rest of the night. Seriously. Over mini golf. Let's just say I got over him pretty quickly and we never went out again. Its one thing to tease the girl, and usually girls don't beat you at mini golf so she must be a pro, but eventually, let the topic drop and talk about ANYTHING other than not believing a girl beat you.

I'm sure I'll have more advice after this, but for now, just start here. Just start not being friends with girls and just asking them the crap out. And once you do, keep asking them to see you. It's crazy enough it just might work. I will concede, I am old now, and all married like, and so I'm not very current on these things, but I still got to this point, and you are in the friend zone, so what does it hurt to listen to me?

Post questions if you think I'm on to something and want to hear more.

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